Why “Ought” And “Should” Are Bad For You
You might be wondering, why am I against these words that almost everyone uses on a daily basis? They seem innocent enough. Well, it is because they lead to no good. Let’s examine how these thoughts get us in trouble.
They Make Assumptions
Is there only one way of doing things? When you have these thoughts you are implying that if you do not behave the way that you “should” then you are wrong. For instance, you might say you “ought” to breastfeed your baby. This phrase implies that feeding a baby formula is not the correct way to feed your child. So, basically, you are telling the millions of parents worldwide who do not breastfeed that they are raising their baby in the wrong way. Considering there are many different ways of accomplishing tasks—and many different opinions—this sets a dangerous precedent.
They Paint Us Into A Corner
If there is only one right way to behave, then you don’t allow yourself to consider alternative options, even if they make sense. For example, If you believe that you “should” follow a vegan diet, then you are not open to people eating a non-vegan diet, even if you are presented with 10 good reasons for eating meat, eggs and cheese. Have you ever fought with someone whose opinion will not be swayed, no matter how good your argument? These are the people that believe something “ought” to be a certain way. This is the definition of inflexible thinking.
They Lead To Anger
If you have ever driven a car, you have become frustrated dealing with other drivers. You might have even become so angry you exhibited road rage. When you get angry at someone for their driving behavior it is usually because you have an idea of how driving “ought” to be done. That guy going 50 miles per hour on the highway is going way too slow. You “should” go fast on a highway, right? You are going to become angry at anyone who does not abide by the rules in your head. The truth is that many people drive at 50mph on the highway. Just because you don’t think you “should” does not make it so. A more adaptive thought would be something like, “I don’t like people who drive 50mph or below on the highway, but it happens and it is not worth me getting upset about.
They Lead To Anxiety
If you believe that something “ought” to be a certain way, then you are likely to become anxious if it does not meet your expectations. Here is an example from my own life. I am a punctual person. I believe that people “should” be on time. Often, however, there are situations where people are late. Personally, I become very anxious and irritable if I feel like I am not going to arrive on time. It would be helpful if my thinking was more adaptive, like “this is not ideal, but a lot of people are late and it is not the end of the world”. I’m working on it, but I still get anxious due to my maladaptive thoughts.
They Make Everyone Unhappy
People that constantly use “should” and “ought” are inflexible thinkers. The problem with being inflexible is that life is always throwing curveballs and not everything works out the way it’s planned. When you are with an inflexible thinker, they bring their misery to you. In a word, they are uptight. Do you want to spend your time with an argumentative, anxious, angry and uptight person? Doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?
Don’t Worry, There Is Hope
If you are a person who often has inflexible thoughts you are not alone. Millions of people share your affliction. The good news is that you can begin to change the way you think. First off, start catching yourself when you have an inflexible