Shame can be debilitating. Whether you have felt chronic shame over your lifetime, or feel shame due to a specific event, it can lead to serious psychological consequences if not dealt with in a healthy manner.

What is Shame?

Brené Brown, noted shame researcher and author, describes shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” In essence, it is a fear of disconnection and being negatively judged by others.

Is it Shame or Guilt?

Shame and guilt are often confused. Shame is the feeling “I am bad.” Guilt means “I did something bad and I feel bad about it.” We all have moments where we do something we regret. When we discuss shame, we are talking about a deep-seated emotion. It is a core belief, or at least a questioning, of our character.

Coping with Shame

The following 10 suggestions will help you start dealing effectively with shameful feelings:

1) Accept it. You can’t address your feelings if you do not acknowledge they are real. Shame, in particular, gains strength when you try to hide it away.

2) Be vulnerable. There is a tendency to become avoidant and defensive when we feel vulnerable. If you run away from vulnerability you just reinforce the thought that I’m not good enough. Vulnerability gives you a chance to build deeper connections with other people. Most good things happen when we are vulnerable. You just need to persevere through those anxious feelings to get there.

3) Focus on others. People who struggle with shame are often overly self-focused. We examine our actions and ruminate about their implications. Often, we sit at home and beat ourselves up rather than go out and see how people actually feel about us.

4) Connect with others. People who experience shame tend to avoid personal interactions because of internal feelings of humiliation. It is important to have relationships with people who can exhibit empathy. Brene Brown calls empathy the antidote to shame. If others take the time to know us and accept us, why shouldn’t we do the same for ourselves? Shame is, at its essence, a fear of disconnection. People that display empathy towards us show us we are not alone. Creating connections with others helps us learn to accept ourselves, warts and all.

5) Interpret events realistically. People who suffer from shame often have unrealistic thoughts about their own behavior. In addition, they are unrealistic about how other people see them. Engaging in some cognitive work can help you see yourself, and your situation, more realistically.

6) Learn about the insecurities that trigger shame. First, It is necessary to recognize your insecurities if you are going to work on coping with them. Second, being aware of triggers helps us learn to deal with those situations more effectively when they arise.

7) Practice self-compassion and forgiveness. Recognize that you are a human being who is not perfect. You must forgive yourself for past behavior and stop beating yourself up. You can only act in the present; your future is not defined by the past.

8) Positive self-talk. When in doubt, give yourself a pep talk. Focus on your positive attributes rather than negative characteristics which may dominate your thoughts.

9) Practice formal or informal mindfulness meditation. Meditation is a powerful exercise that can help us become less reactive to our thoughts. It may also aid us in being less judgmental about our own flaws.

10) Seek psychotherapy. Shame is often a devastating emotion. It is complicated, deeply ingrained and can be very difficult to treat. If your life is being disrupted by feelings of shame, it is likely you may need some professional help.