I never thought I was insecure. People viewed me as a person filled with confidence. I had my shit together. People respected me for making life look easy. Looking back on it, I think that was a lie. I just did not know it.

On the inside, I had a lot of doubt. I always wondered why I was afraid to open up, why I was so guarded. I come from an emotionally detached family. That certainly was part of it. But, I think most of it was that I was insecure. If people saw all of me, including my flaws, would they still like me, respect me? Closing yourself off is one way to guard against feelings of insecurity but it is not helpful or healthy.

What Does It Mean To Be Insecure?

Insecurity can mean a lot of different thing in a lot of different contexts. You can be self-conscious about your appearance or lacking self-confidence in your ability to perform your job. Maybe you believe that you are unlovable or just plain stupid. In any case, insecurity is doubt you have about yourself or a situation. Security is safety. Insecurity is feeling unsafe. Think about how much anxiety you have when you feel unsafe. Unsafe in your relationship, unsafe at work, unsafe in your own skin. It is a heavy burden to carry.

We Are All Insecure

Show me the person who is totally secure in their life and I will show you a liar. We all have insecurities, it is part of being human. Only a narcissist (or a sociopath) might not feel some insecurity and many psychologists would argue that, underneath their maladaptive defenses, they are the most insecure of all. Being insecure is a normal part of life. It is when we ignore those insecurities or try to act like they don’t exist that we get ourselves in trouble.

Can I Recognize I Am Insecure?

Okay, so now you know that you are insecure about something. Certain areas of insecurity are easy to recognize. These are thoughts that cross your mind often. You may be insecure about something, however, that is not so obvious. This might be because you are actively ignoring it or your psychological defenses have put it out of your mind. Here are some ways to locate your areas of insecurity.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a tell-tale sign of being insecure. If you are anxious, you are worried about something and it is often because you are insecure. For example, you may have social anxiety because you are insecure in your social skills or that people won’t like you.

Overcompensation

Are you acting a bit “extra” today? It might be because you are insecure. One way people cope with feelings of insecurity is to act in a way that is very outgoing and portrays utmost confidence; this is actually just a smokescreen for underlying feelings of insecurity.

Avoidance

Have you ever gone to a party and stood in the corner? Or avoided eye contact when talking to someone? Or clung onto your outgoing friend? Did you make an excuse to not go out in the first place? Are you the person at work who never speaks up in team meetings? These all fit into a form of avoidance. You avoid because you lack confidence in yourself. You doubt that you have something meaningful to contribute.

What Can I Do About Insecure Feelings?

It is important how we frame insecurity. Do we avoid it at all costs or do we embrace our flaws? Are imperfetions the end of the world? You can either work toward accepting that you are not perfect or you can focus on improving those areas of weakness.

Acceptance

There are some things you can’t do much about. Maybe you are unathletic or you have very large ears. Accepting ourselves is a large factor in increasing our self-image and decreasing our insecurity. You have a choice. Embrace who you are or feel poorly about yourself with no hope of relief. Let’s face it, you aren’t going to become Lebron James just because you practice a lot. So, accept that you are slow and vertically-challenged and move on with your life. Or don’t and remain miserable.

Improvement

In many cases, you really can improve on your weaknesses. With hard work, many challenges can be overcome. For example, maybe you are dyslexic. You could give up and stop reading. Or, you can spend time and effort in learning to manage it and become a functional reader. Practice alone may not make you an expert in any one area but effort does lead to improvement the majority of the time.

Is The Sky Falling?

We tend to amplify our weaknesses. Most people don’t care that we have faults. In some cases, they can even be found to be endearing (e.g., “those big ears are so cute”). But we have a tendency to make a mountain out of a molehill. Does any of the following sound familiar: “Does my butt look fat?” “I really screwed up that presentation”. “I think she hates me”. If you allow it, you can literally spend all your time obsessing about your deficiencies and what you think you did wrong. Do you know what I call that? A waste of time. We are usually much harder on ourselves than other people. Ever see the movie Meatballs? The majority of the time, it “just doesn’t matter”.

A Lid For Every (Insecure) Pot

When I was younger I heard the saying, “there is a lid for every pot”. This was said in the context of romantic relationships but it applies to any situation. There are always going to be people that accept you as friends, as an employee, as a co-worker, and yes, as a romantic partner. No, you will not be adored by everyone but no one is universally beloved. You don’t need to try and change yourself to fit into some unrealistic ideal you have in your head. Just as there are people who will accept you for you, you need to learn to love yourself, warts and all.