Adolescents say a lot of horrible things to their parents. It is even quite common for them to say “I hate you” at some point (For what to do if you ever hear those words, you can find some good suggestions here). However, there is a huge difference between saying it and meaning it. What happens when you are having a lot of conflict with your child and you believe they might mean it? Here are some tips to deal with a teenager who might actually hate you (at least for the moment).

Self-Reflect

When you are having problems with your teenager, it is easy to point out everything they are doing wrong while ignoring your own behavior. Regardless of what you may have heard, parents don’t always know what’s best. Truth be told, you are probably playing some role in the problem. You will need to dig deep and do some honest self-reflection. If you can’t do it on your own, feel free to seek another perspective or obtain professional help. Once you have pinpointed your role, vow to take action and do better.

Be Present

I get it. Everyone is busy and over-scheduled. You probably don’t have much time to breathe. However, it is difficult to repair a fractured relationship if you can’t be present with your child. This means setting aside some time to sit down and talk to your teen without distractions. Put away your phones and focus on them and what they have to say. Let them know they are more important than work, your social life, and your laptop. Although they may seem like they always want to be left alone, nothing is more important than being there for your teen.

Roll with Resistance

Adolescents are famous for defiance. This is part of the process of forming their identity. In the moment, however, resistance can cause a lot of conflict between parent and child. Your natural instinct is probably to protect yourself and prove your point. But that is only going to escalate the situation. Instead of getting defensive, try to use your teen’s resistance to your advantage. For example, maybe they say, “Why should I clean my room? You are never around to see it anyway”. Your natural inclination might be the famous parent’s reply, “Because I said so”. However, that is a remark that is likely to frustrate your child and shut the door to further conversation. Alternatively, you could pick up on the true meaning behind their comment and say, “Are you upset that I’m not home more?”. What could have been a big fight now turns into an opportunity to attend to your child’s underlying concern. This might be easier said than done, but the point is to turn a possible conflict into a chance to address problems in your relationship.

Be Empathetic

It may sound like teenagers are always complaining about something. And maybe it seems like small potatoes when taken in context with adult issues and the world’s troubles. But, their problems seem big to them and they don’t want them minimized. You must try to understand their world and give them respect. A good first step is active listening.

Keep Limits and Consequences

You might think that the best way to get back into the good graces of your child is to relax the rules and start to act more like a friend than a parent. That would be a mistake. Remember, no matter what troubles you are having, you are still the adult in the room. They want you to set limits and hold them responsible for their actions despite what they say. Another benefit is that they won’t be able to use your strained relationship for manipulative purposes (i.e., bribe you for their love). You must let them know—no matter what—you will still act like their parent.

Be Vulnerable and Apologize (if necessary)

Keeping firm boundaries doesn’t mean you can’t show your humanity. Any relationship is made stronger when both sides exhibit some vulnerability. Now, you may not want to share everything with your teenager. After all, some things just aren’t appropriate. However, it is okay to let them see that you struggle and have emotions. This includes apologizing to them if you have wronged them in some way. Saying you’re sorry has multiple advantages: It shows that you respect them enough to admit you were wrong and models appropriate behavior.

Communicate With Your Teenager

No matter how bad it gets between you and your teen, you must do what you can to keep the lines of communication open. Let’s face it, you can’t improve any relationship if you aren’t talking. As a parent, it is your responsibility to keep trying to make contact with your child. They may try to avoid you but technology has given us plenty of options to communicate. Send them a text. Slip into their DM’s. Eventually, they will break down and give you an opening. How do I know this? I’ll let you in on a secret: Unless you have done something unforgivable, they want you in their life

Don’t Lose Hope

Adolescence is a complicated stage. Teenagers are dealing with developing bodies and brains all while trying to establish their identity at the same time. (Check out this post for general suggestions on raising a teenager). They have a wide array of emotions that can change wildly without notice. While they may feel actual hatred toward you for some time, it is not something that is written in stone. With work and love, you have a good chance of repairing the relationship. The parent-child bond is one of the most sacred humans can experience. It is worth your time and patience.