Divorce is a traumatic event. You split with a person to whom you have committed your life. If you have been together a long time, or have kids, it is especially tumultuous. Besides the death of a loved one, it thought of as the most difficult situation with which to cope. I am going through a divorce right now and it is incredibly difficult. So, what can you do to help make it through in one piece?

Tips for Coping with Divorce

1) Make sure this is really what you want.

Divorce has serious consequences. You lose your partner, you don’t see your kids as much, you will lose friends, and you will be poorer. I can tell you that many of my clients that went through a divorce look back on it and wish they had tried harder to work it out. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Make sure this is the path you want to take before you take it. This is not a decision that should be made when you are emotional in the spur of the moment. Take some time and really evaluate it. Going to couples therapy is  also a good option to help you figure it out.

2) Self-care

There is a lot to do when you divorce and it is easy to focus on everything but yourself. This is a mistake. Coping with divorce is very difficult and you need to make sure to take care of yourself first. As they say on an airplane, “put on your air mask first”.  So, make sure you get enough sleep, eat healthily (most of the time), exercise, meditate, etc.

3) Keep it civil.

There is often a lot of pain and bitterness when you go through a divorce. It is easy to lash out at your former partner and express those negative feelings in an unproductive way. You will probably regret your behavior at a later date if you act overly negative. You loved this person at one time. Nothing good can come from you burning bridges. Hate is rarely productive.

4) Force yourself to communicate

There is a lot to work out when you divorce, both financially and emotionally. If you have kids, custody and co-parenting issues need to be decided. As a general rule, the more communication with your ex the better. Communication can help you work through some of your issues and makes getting things done much easier.  If you share children, communication is even more important.  Not only do you need to coordinate visits and transportation, you also need to keep each other informed about your kids’ issues. Children aren’t stupid. They can see when their parents aren’t talking and it bothers them immensely. It is also a lot cheaper to communicate with your ex than using a lawyer as a go-between. Do you really want to pay a lawyer hundreds of dollars just to relay your messages?

5) Don’t let your lawyer control everything.

Speaking of lawyers, they often want to guide you through the divorce process. This is part of their job, but they may not always do it in the same way you would want. Remember, they are working for you. If you want things a certain way let them know.  As my lawyer once said, “A good divorce lawyer is part therapist”.  They can be a valuable support as well as a legal advisor.  In the end, though, you call the shots.

6) Be social

Sometimes you just want to crawl under a rock when you separate, especially if the reason for the split is less than savory (e.g., an affair, a crime, etc.). Isolating yourself is probably the worst thing you can do. Lean on friends and family for support. They may not always be happy with you, especially if they believe the divorce is mostly your fault, but being alone is not good for you emotionally.

7) Therapy/Support group

Due to the traumatic nature of divorce, seeking a therapeutic outlet is not a bad idea. This can take the form of your own psychotherapy or seeking out a therapeutic/support group which focuses on divorce.  Self-help books and apps are also a good alternative if therapy is not an option. You can use as much help as you can get, even if you don’t realize it.

8) Walk often

This is a form of self-care but I can’t tell you how much walking helped me after my separation. The ability to clear my head, think things through, and work off some anxiety saved me. Research has also found that walking will help brighten your mood, especially if you do it in a more natural surrounding, like a park.  What’s more, it is good exercise.