When we think about toxic behavior, we most often think about obnoxious people saying and doing things that make our skin crawl. Take the guy who gets into a fight whenever he feels insulted or the friend who manages to complain whenever they get a chance. However, one type of damaging behavior is frequently missing when considering people behaving badly. Passive-aggressive behavior can be as damaging to relationships as physical or verbal fighting. But what do we mean by passive-aggressive behavior and what can we do about it?

What is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Everyone has experienced passive-aggressive behavior but you may not have realized it when it happened. Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone expresses negative thoughts and emotions in an indirect way, rather than through open and direct communication. For example, your friend gives you the silent treatment rather than tell you that they are upset with you. Let’s look at some other indicators that someone is being passive-aggressive.

Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

The following types of behavior may indicate someone is acting passive-aggressively:

Delaying Tasks

Your spouse tells you that they will complete a project for you. Depsite it being a relatively easy task, it drags on for weeks without completion. Did they just get busy or forget about it? Maybe. More likely is that they are upset with you over something but are showing it in an indirect way.

Pouty Behavior

Ever know someone who sulks and pouts all day? There is obviously something wrong but instead of expressing it directly, they just want to display it through their behavior. Anytime someone takes the indirect route to express themseleves, it is considered passive-aggressive behavior.

“Im Fine”

This is classic. Something is bothering someone but when you ask them what is wrong, they say “I’m fine” or “nothing is wrong”. Instead of voicing their displeasure, they just let their discontent simmer inside. That is another maladaptive aspect of passive-aggressive behavior. Not only is it inappropriate but it can also be bad for your health.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a term coined by psychologist John Gottman, the famed couples researcher, to refer to a damaging type of interaction between the members of a couple. In stonewalling, one member of the couple shuts down and doesn’t interact with the other. It is like the silent treatment on steroids. What you might not realize is that stonewalling can be as damaging as any type of dysfunctional interaction. What’s more, it is highly predictive of divorce, especially when women perform it.

Sabotage

When someone is unhappy, they may take action to sabotage a relationship. Maybe they have a fear of intimacy or want to end it. Whatever the reason, they act in indirect ways to ruin the relationship, rather than be honest with their thoughts and feelings. For example, maybe someone overly criticizes their partner or has an affair. They do this to push their partner away, rather than deal openly with their struggles.

Ghosting

Ghosting has become very popular in the age of cell phones, dating apps, and social media. Put plainly, it is when a person stops responding to you and becomes unreachable. They disappear from your life, much like a ghost that is never to be seen again. It is easy to “ghost” someone when your relationship is dependent on virtual forms of interacting. Some people might call this a cowardly way to end a relationship but it is a prime example of someone acting passive-aggressively rather than being direct with their communciation.

Backhanded Compliments

It is called a backhanded compliment for a reason. When you receive one, you aren’t quite sure whether you should feel good or bad what the other person has said. The backhanded compliment is a way to deliver an insult in the guise of a compliment. For example, your supposed friend says to you, “I don’t listen to what other people say about you, you are always nice to me”. Although your friend is saying that you act nice with them, it implies that others think you aren’t a nice person. The backhanded compliment is a way to express negative feelings in a more palatable form. But, don’t be fooled, it is still an insult.

What Can We Do About a Passive-Aggressive Person?

You can use the following strategies to effectively deal with someone who may be acting passive-aggressively:

Create a Safe Space

It is easy to become frustrated and want to lash out when dealing with a passive-aggressive person. Their behavior can upset the dynamics of friendships and—if they are a work colleague— negatively affect your job performance. To successfully manage a person who exhibits these qualities, you need to remain calm and create a safe space. Passive-aggressive people generally feel threatened and see themselves as victims. You cannot deal effectively with them if your actions are seen as intimidating and further fuel their insecurities.

Empathize

Part of creating a safe space is the ability to empathize and withhold judgment. Although you may not agree with their thoughts and behaviors, it is critical that you show them that you understand their point-of-view. Acting critical is just going to increase their self-doubt and make it more likely that they withdraw from you.

Be Direct

Now that you have created a safe space, you need to confront the problems directly. You can’t address a lack of directness with further indirectness. You might say something like “It seems you are upset about something, let’s talk about it”. If they give you the common retort, “I’m fine”, don’t just slink away. Follow-up with “It doesn’t seem you are fine, what is going on?” The antidote to passive-aggressive behavior is open and honest communication.

Hold Them Accountable

Another valuable strategy is to hold the passive-aggressive person accountable for their actions. Letting them off the hook is only going to reinforce their conduct. For example, when your work colleague gives you an excuse for not meeting a deadline, don’t just let it go. Give them a consequence and tell them they are still responsible for the work with a new deadline. Reinforcing passive behavior is not going to help them to change.

Reward Direct Behavior

Speaking of reinforcement, you want to positively reinforce a passive-aggressive person whenever they display direct actions and communication. For example, you can say, “Thanks so much for coming to me with your concerns. I can help you with that.” If they learn that direct behavior leads to better outcomes, they may work harder to adopt a more open and honest approach.

Separate Yourself

If you have attempted to deal with a passive-aggressive person and nothing works, it may be time to separate yourself. For friendships, that may mean limiting or ending the relationship. For a work colleague, it may mean requesting to be on another team or letting them go. While that may seem a little harsh, the toxicity of constantly dealing with a passive-aggressive person is not worth your mental or physical health.

Passive-Aggressive people are all around us. You can’t avoid them completely. The large problem is when you know someone who consistently acts passive-aggressively and they are a major part of your life. They can end up negatively affecting your romance, your friendships, and your job. It is crucial that you attempt to cope with their behavior in the most positive way possible before they ruin a vital part of your life. And, if all else fails, take the necessary steps to minimize their effect on you. Good luck!