In part I of this series, we discussed the types of intimacy and the important role it plays in our lives. In this post, we will explore the obstacles to intimacy and what we can do to fan its flame.

What Gets In The Way of Intimacy?

Many reasons exist for why people have difficulty becoming intimate with another person. Here are a few of the most common:

Abuse and Neglect

People that have experienced abuse and neglect will likely be less trusting and have difficulty forming connections with others. Victims of sexual abuse, in particular, may have difficulty with sexual intimacy. A partner will need to be patient and open to instill trust with former victims.

Fear of Rejection

A fear of rejection can make intimacy more difficult. For example, someone who had been betrayed in a past relationship might be hesitant to commit to someone else or be more likely to push them away if they sense something is wrong. A person with a fear of rejection is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Attachment Issues

An insecure attachment can develop due maladaptive parental bonding during childhood. People with insecure attachments will likely have unstable relationships, making intimacy more difficult. For example, individuals with a fearful-avoidant style tend to avoid close relationships, even though they may crave them.

Fear of Abandonment and Engulfment.

Individuals who have a fear of abandonment may be overly clingy or push others away because they fear the other person will leave anyway. People with a fear of engulfment are worried about being controlled by another person. This may develop due to being raised in an enmeshed family environment. As a result, they avoid close relationships rather than feel trapped.

Anxiety

Anxious people tend to avoid others to prevent having anxious feelings that they would rather not have to face. A prime example is people with social anxiety. They will avoid social situations because they make them too anxious. Of course, it is difficult to meet and become intimate with someone else if you are unwilling to be around others. Even if they are able to form a bond with someone else, they will have difficulty furthering the relationship if they don’t want to spend time with the other person’s family and friends.

Poor Self-image

A poor self-image is a great impediment to intimacy. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you aren’t going to want to get close with someone else. You don’t feel worthy. For example, someone with a poor self-image may wonder, “Why would anyone want to be with me?” And if you think that about yourself, you surely aren’t going to want to make connections with others. Additionally, a poor self-image is often a symptom of depression, which may lead to a lack of motivation to meet or be involved with someone else.

How to Fuel Intimacy

Despite some roadblocks, all is not lost. If you want to improve your level of intimacy, here are several suggestions:

Communication

Communication is a key to intimacy. But not just any type of communication. The wrong type of communication can actually damage attempts at connection. Communication needs to be validating and non-judgmental. You want the other person to know that while you don’t necessarily agree with everything they say, they are entitled to their feelings and you respect their views. In contrast, exhibiting contempt and criticism is the way to put the brakes on forming intimacy with another person.

Be Vulnerable

Hear this: Vulnerability breeds intimacy. Being vulnerable may be the number one thing you can do to increase intimacy. When someone is vulnerable, you can’t help but to know them better and feel closer to them. Two people displaying vulnerability with each other will achieve a level of intimacy that closed off people will never possess.

Schedule Intimacy

I know what you are thinking: Shouldn’t intimacy be natural and spontaneous? Ideally, yes, but it is easy to put intimacy on the backburner when every minute of your life seems occupied. For example, parents with jobs and young children appear interminably busy. If they don’t schedule time for themselves it probably won’t happen.

Show Gratitude and Appreciation

Deeper relationships rely on a mutual feelings of gratitude. You want to know that the other person appreciates the time they spend with you. So, feel free to give the other person compliments and affirm their positive qualities. This shows that you value them as a person. Added bonus: Expressing gratitude is good for you too.

Do Something Special

Although it is the little things you do every day that will increase intimacy the most, the grand gesture every once in a while is effective too. This shows the other person that they mean a lot to you and are deserving of something special. For example, give them a gift that is meaningful (rather than a gift card) or share an experience that will bring you closer together.

Be Affectionate

This would seem to be obvious but you might be surprised how affection between people wanes over time. Keep in mind that being affectionate does not mean you have to kiss or be overtly sexual. A simple hand on a shoulder or touching of hands is often enough. Aim for an affectionate gesture each day with a romantic partner (and friends and family can hug too).

Work on Your Individual Issues

As mentioned above, several personal issues (e.g., anxiety, insecure attachment) can get in the way of intimacy. Although a partner or friend can often help, it is really up to the individual to face their own demons. Whether that requires psychotherapy or self-help, some effort at self-improvement is needed. Let’s face facts: an emotionally healthy person is more prepared for an intimate relationship than someone who is unwilling to work on themselves.

Make Intimacy Happen

Most people crave intimacy but not everyone can achieve it. They either don’t know what to do or they have personal problems holding them back. But make no mistake, intimacy is worth the trouble it takes to learn how to attain it. A close interpersonal connection is the goal of almost all humankind. Get to work and make it happen.