The holiday season is upon us. Media is saturated with themes of love and family. We are fed the same messages over and over: nothing is more important than family. So, what happens when you are in the middle of a fight with your relatives? What if you have limited contact with them? Is it worth it to put in the work to improve your family relationships? 

How Did We Get Here?

The Estrangement Cycle

Family problems often start with an argument or disagreement. Once there is a problem, it is up to someone to squash it. In most families, someone makes the effort to face the problem and tries to smooth it over. Sometimes, however, no one takes the lead. This starts the estrangement cycle. It goes something like this: they are upset with me, so they avoid me. Then I get angry at them for their avoidance so I ignore them. Rinse, repeat. Next thing you know we are estranged. In order to break the cycle, someone needs to take the first step, which people are not always willing to do.

Detached Families

Some families are just detached. They are comfortable having relationships at an arm’s distance. This can mean that there is very little contact or it can mean that you have contact, but you are not emotionally close. It is possible to see each other a fair amount but posses a superficial relationship; you get together but never really discuss anything important. It is clear you cannot have close relationships with people if you only skim the surface. If you were brought up in a detached family you understand how hard it is to change those family dynamics. Therefore, the detachment is often passed down from generation to generation.

Is My Family Worth It?

Just because popular culture tells us that family is all-important does not mean it actually is. There is a belief that family will be there for you no matter what, that they will support you when times are tough. In reality, however, that is not always the case. Sometimes our relatives are unsupportive, judgemental, and contribute mightily to our problems. So, how do you decide if it is worth the effort to bring your family closer together?

Worth The Effort

Emotionally close families that have become estranged due to a single argument or event are most likely worth the effort. If you value the relationships you had before, it is worth your time to try and get them back. If it was a rewarding relationship in the past it will likely benefit you in the future.

On the Fence

There are two types of families that fit this category. The first is emotionally close families that get into arguments on a fairly regular basis. You might get a lot of love and support from these relationships but you also get a lot of hurt and conflict. In the end, you must decide if the good outweighs the bad.

The second type of family in this category is slightly detached; they give you some love and support but not enough to make it obvious you definitely want them in your life. Maybe you had an argument or a negative event occur and it has left you somewhat estranged. You feel like they should be a part of your life but you really can’t list many reasons why. You may feel like your friends provide more of what you need than your lukewarm family relationships. Is that feeling of obligation enough to override minimal feelings of love and support?

Not Worth the Effort

If your family is very detached you are facing an uphill battle. Because family roles are defined over many years, it becomes increasingly difficult to change those family dynamics. Your efforts are likely to go unrewarded. Besides, what benefits are you actually receiving from trying to be closer to people who don’t want to be close?

There are some families that are just toxic. You feel close to them but they are not good for your mental or physical health. These families may be characterized by constant conflict and turmoil. In some families, there may not be constant problems, but they are overly involved in your life. You are unable to breathe and feel a sense of independence. In either case, you might lead a  healthier life without them.

It Is Okay To Ignore My Family?

This may seem like blasphemy to some people, but a family should be defined by their actions not how they are portrayed by popular culture. Feeling an obligation to someone simply because they are related to you is an idea that makes no sense. Family is an ideal based upon the love and support that people give each other, not by the fact that they share a bloodline. Why make the effort to strengthen familial bonds when your relatives cause you more hurt than joy? Put forth that effort for people in your life that give you what you need. They are your true family.