Parenting an adolescent is one of the most difficult endeavors most people will ever undertake. Teenagers are a unique animal, stuck somewhere between childish immaturity and burgeoning adulthood. Adding to the difficulty are raging hormones and an all-knowing view of the world. What is a parent to do?

Give Them Space

Most teenagers are very peer focused; they don’t want to spend a lot of time with their parents. They are also developing their own identity and don’t need their parents overly-impinging on their creation of self. Let them live their lives. Just as a flower needs room to grow, a teenager needs space to become an individual.

Encourage Their Interests, Not Yours

Many parents want their kids to follow in their footsteps. If your child wants to be like mom and dad that’s great. If not, encourage whatever it is they want to do. Adolescence is an optimal time for trial and error. As they say, no risk, no reward. In addition, parental encouragement can help kids be confident and improve their self-esteem. Yes, they may fail in pursuit of a dream, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. First of all, everyone needs to learn how to cope with failure. Second, they have a lot of time to make a comeback. And everybody loves a comeback.

Involve Them In Decisions

Adolescents are much more likely to cooperate if they are involved in the decision-making process. Everyone wants to feel invested in their choices. Teenagers are no different. If you try to order them to do something without the opportunity to provide input they are likely to rebel. Heck, they may rebel anyway, but at least you give yourself a fighting chance.

Allow Them To Make Mistakes

One of the criticisms of young people today is that they were coddled by their parents. Although you don’t want your kids to put themselves in dangerous situations, you do want them to learn from their mistakes. Recovering from a bad decision takes perseverance, a quality that will come in handy as an adult. Teenagers need guidance, not someone to do it for them.

Negotiate and Compromise

Negotiating with your teenager can be a difficult concept for parents to grasp. After all, when they were younger, you just gave an order and they complied. Shouldn’t they continue to follow your directions without question? Well, things are different now. Adolescents are maturing (really, they are). They want you to respect that they have their own point of view. If you are willing to negotiate with your teen they feel like you are treating them more like an adult. Moreover, you are giving them a voice to fuel their independence. Research has consistently shown that authoritarian parenting does not work well. There needs to be a bit of flexibility. The older they get, the more you allow negotiation and compromise. It may be an adjustment, but learning how to compromise with your teen is a win-win situation: it will improve your relationship and you both end up getting more of what you want.

Some Rules Are Written In Stone

Despite what I just said, there are some things that are non-negotiable. You, as a parent, have to decide what rules are so important to your family that you are not willing to compromise. For example, if you feel like your child is addicted to their cell phone, you may have a no cell phone policy at the dinner table or after bedtime. Additionally, your teenager has to know that drug and alcohol use is not allowed. A flexible parental attitude toward drinking and drug use has been shown to lead to more problems involving substance abuse. Even as adults, we have rules that we have to live by. Without providing some structure, you are inviting chaos.

Have Meals Together

Eat meals with your kids when possible. It is not uncommon for an adolescent to want to spend almost all their time with friends or retreat to their room for privacy. As a result, your teenager might seem like a stranger. Having meals as a family gives you the opportunity to see what is going on in their lives and intervene if necessary.

Communication

Yes, this is cliche, but it is cliche for a reason. You need to have an open line of communication with teenagers. Healthy communication is not something that develops overnight; you need to develop this over years. Here are some key suggestions:

Listen

Some people have a conversation just to get their point across. True listening involves hearing what a person is saying and letting them know that you understand it.

Be Non-Judgmental

Teenagers have some crazy ideas. With the benefit of experience, you may think that what they are saying is ridiculous. That’s fine, just don’t let them know that. Most adolescents already think that all older people are judgmental. If you shut down their ideas with your own opinions, you are less likely to get them to tell you their thoughts in the future.

Be Direct With Uncomfortable Topics

Some parents never have “the talk” with their children because it is an uncomfortable topic. However, subjects like sex and drugs need to be addressed directly with teenagers. First of all, parents serve an educational function: adolescents need the information you give them. Research also shows that, despite their apparent rejection of authority, you still have significant influence in their lives. Furthermore, talking to them about these topics lets them know that it is okay to come to you with sensitive subjects. If you are willing to have an open discussion with your kids, they are more likely to talk to you about their problems.

Love Them—And Good Luck

Raising a teenager is usually stressful and frustrating. It is a complicated balance of communication, boundaries, freedom, flexibility and a lot of luck. The most important part of parenting is to never stop showing them you love them. Your son or daughter needs to know they can mess up and you still have their back. Remember, your relationship with your adolescent child is always evolving. Even if you have some difficult moments you have time to put it back on the right track. With love and effort, you have a good chance of helping raise a well adjusted young adult. It is a given that they will test your patience. Hopefully, that perseverance that you developed as a teenager will pay off.