When you are a child, you feel like your parents are indestructible, all-knowing superheroes. As you become an adult, you begin to recognize their fallibility and weakness. My mother turned 80 this year. She has always been healthy and pretty sharp cognitively. A few months ago, she started to experience hip pain and eventually had to get a hip replacement. Although she was back up and running a month later, it hit me that she is getting older and her functioning is going to diminish over time. The aging of a parent presents a difficult situation for parents and children alike.

They Aren’t Perfect?

When you enter late adolescence/early adulthood you begin to realize that your parents are not perfect. They make mistakes and may act in ways that leave you embarrassed and perplexed. You may even find you don’t agree with their views and find their personality grating. As people age, they tend to become less flexible (both cognitively and physically) and cling to earlier times. A parent that was moderately liberal in the 1970s, for instance, is likely seen as more conservative now. It may be difficult to reconcile your perspective with the current beliefs of your parents. It also may be hard to influence your parents to try new things or consider another point of view.

A Loss of Independence

When you have lived most of your life as a high functioning, independent adult it can be hard to recognize that you no longer have the same abilities you possessed as a younger person. For example, the reflexes and eyesight of older people diminish over time. At some point, they might not be able to safely drive a car. Imagine having to give up your keys after a lifetime of popping behind the wheel whenever you needed to go somewhere.

At the more extreme end, seniors may no longer be able to take care of basic daily chores. At that point, you may consider the prospect of your parents leaving independent living, something they are sure to resist. For your parents, it must be incredibly difficult to acknowledge that they are no longer able to live on their own. Relying on other people and giving up your independence is one of the most difficult transitions an older person has to face. As their child, breaking the news to your parents is a no-win proposition. It signifies a role reversal where you are now your parents’ guardian. After a lifetime of taking care of you, they are not likely to accept such a change gracefully.

The Child As Caregiver

Acting as a caretaker for your parents is not an easy transition for you either. For much of your life, you relied on them to give you a band-aid and make everything alright. Now, you must look at them as a dependent.

It is always difficult to change familial roles. Have you ever attempted to change your family dynamics? It takes a lot of consistent work and even then it might fail. Family roles are ingrained over many years and change is not something people usually want to do. You see, change is uncomfortable and people would rather stay comfortable even if it is worse for them in the long run. In the case of aging parents, change is usually forced upon the family. You have no choice but that does not mean it is going to be easy. Your parents will fight tooth and nail to maintain the status quo until they realize it is inevitable. Everyone will have to quickly adapt to their new roles and it is likely to take some time—if ever—before it goes smoothly.

Furthermore, your parent’s new position is likely to physically change your life. Are they going to move in with you? Do you have to check in with them daily? Will you have to go to the retirement home regularly to visit? Are you going to have to fork out your own money to provide them with what they need? These are questions you used to not worry about. You took them for granted. Now, you realize that you will have to adjust your life to support them.

Who Will Take Care of Me?

This may be a selfish thought but it is natural to think about what happens when your parents can no longer take care of you. In all likelihood, you have been taking care of yourself for years. Still, it is a psychological shock to recognize that the foundation you have relied upon most of your life has crumbled. Since you were 15 you wanted your parents to butt out of your life, but now that they can’t take care of you, you feel a sense of vulnerability. You always knew that your parents had your back if something went wrong. Now, your fallback security plan is gone.

How Do I Cope?

Life doesn’t stop moving just because your parents are getting older. You have to learn how to deal with the situation while you are juggling the rest of your commitments. Here are some suggestions to help:

Acceptance

You can’t move forward without accepting the situation. There is a part of you that is going to want to deny it and try to revert to familiar roles. The sooner you accept that things have changed and you are now in charge, the quicker you can adjust to your new reality.

Be Empathic

This is not an easy situation for you but it is probably even harder for your parents. As a result, they are probably giving you some pushback and they may be acting stubborn and unpleasant. No matter how much invective they are spitting at you, try to remember that the world as they know it is imploding.

Get Your House In Order

In order to take care of others, you need to make sure you have taken care of your own responsibilities. You will need to organize your life so you can expend time (and maybe money) toward your parents. That might mean making a budget or creating a new schedule. If you have a partner or kids it is a good idea to sit them down and talk about how this may affect them.

Look To Others For Support

Although it might feel like this is your problem to solve, you likely have other people willing to help. Do you have siblings or a significant other you can lean on? Maybe you even have adult children that want to help their grandparents? You don’t need to tackle this alone. Spread out the responsibility to other people who love your parents.

Honor Your Parents

Although this can be a difficult time, it can also be an opportunity. Growing old doesn’t have to mean all gloom and doom. There are still good times to be had and you can help your parents live their best life. You don’t want to have regrets. Treat them as you want to be treated. You may even end up with a closer relationship with them than you had before. Just do your best. That is all you can ask of yourself. After all, that is all you asked of them.