We all have secrets. There are just some things you don’t want other people to know. Maybe you are ashamed of your behavior. Maybe you feel others will reject you if they know the truth. You might be afraid that revealing your secret will deter you from participating in something exciting and pleasurable. Some secrets are bigger than others. The bigger the secret, the more it impacts our life. Let’s explore how secrets negatively affect our well-being.

Decreasing Intimacy

If you are keeping a secret from your friends or a partner it is going to decrease your level of intimacy. A secret puts a barrier between you and another person. You limit your closeness when you are purposefully keeping something from someone else. I can speak from personal experience that secrets can kill a relationship. When you have something to hide, someone can’t really know all of you. Relationships need openness and honesty to grow. Having a secret is like spraying Roundup on the flower of intimacy. In the most extreme cases, they lead to avoidance, loneliness, and isolation.

Secrets Are Exhausting (and Distracting)

It takes up mental resources to keep a secret. You continually have to think about what you can’t say. This is in addition to the guilt or anxiety you may feel for having the secret in the first place. Further, you might be spending time thinking about your secret rather than focusing on work or being present with your family. Large secrets never really leave you. They are always in the back of your mind chipping away at your happiness. Harboring a secret can cause physical and mental exhaustion. You can never feel truly at ease when you are keeping a secret.

Emotional Fallout

Keeping a secret can lead to numerous emotional problems. First, there is the anxiety related to someone finding out what you are trying to hide. This is going to cause considerable stress, especially if the secret is serious in nature. Second, there is the embarrassment and shame associated with your secretive behavior. This will negatively affect your self-image and possibly lead to depressive feelings. Third, keeping secrets can interrupt sleep and cause fatigue, exacerbating negative emotions. Finally, because it is a secret, you cannot go to others for support. You are left on an island, dealing with all these emotions by yourself.

Secrets Keep Underlying Issues Hidden

Maybe most importantly, secrets prevent you from confronting important issues. They often serve a protective function. They are defending you from coping with some negative behavior. In a previous post, Surviving Addiction, I discussed the difficulty of dealing with addictive behavior. Secrets are like fuel for any problem. They allow us to keep doing something we know is maladaptive. That is why addiction treatment models encourage people to give up their secrets and reveal their struggles. It is the only way to move forward. If you continue to keep a secret you are fooling yourself into thinking you are making progress.

How Do I Deal With Secrets?

There is a reason you are keeping a secret. You are worried about what will happen if the truth comes out. While that is not totally unreasonable, the consequences of keeping the secret are probably much worse than revealing the truth. It needs to come out or the severity of the consequences will continue to increase.

Introspection

Start by doing a little self-study. Ask yourself what secrets you are keeping and why you are engaging in secretive behavior. Explore all the varying consequences of your actions and your secrets. You need to understand why it is important to be truthful. If you can’t be honest with yourself you certainly can’t be truthful with other people.

The Big Reveal

Talk with someone you trust that is removed from the situation. They can give you objective advice about how to proceed. If you don’t know anyone like that, consider going to a therapist. They are ethically bound to keep your secrets. Whatever you do, you need to stop your life of secrecy before it takes its toll on your well-being. Bottom line: secrets are silent destroyers.