I have social anxiety, although not at the clinical level. I am not a shut-in but I worry about meeting new people and being judged. Being the focus of attention makes me uncomfortable. I avoid certain social situations due to my anxiety. You may think it is not a big deal to miss out on some socializing due to anxiety. But, here’s the thing, social anxiety is like death by a thousand paper cuts. When you step back and look at all of its consequences you recognize that it has a serious effect on your well-being. Let’s take a closer look:

Poor Self-Image

The reason people have social anxiety in the first place is because they worry about what other people will think of them. It comes from underlying insecurity that they don’t have what it takes to measure up. In other words, a poor self-image. Underneath it all, socially anxious individuals do not believe people will like them if they get to know them. Being vulnerable is feared more than jumping off a bridge without a tether. The thinking goes something like this: If I don’t put myself out there then no one will get the opportunity to see my flaws or reject me. It is both safe and incredibly unhealthy at the same time. What’s more, that type of thinking is unrealistic. You believe you are unlikable but it is not true. Sure, you may not appeal to all people, but there are others who will want to spend time with you if you give them a chance.

Avoidance

Anxious people avoid. That is how they lower their anxiety; it is more comfortable that way. So, when a socially anxious person is invited to a party, they are likely to say “no thanks”. It is not that they don’t want to go, but they know it would make them anxious so they stay at home. It is impossible to make new friends or enhance old friendships without socializing. You are seen as aloof or unfriendly. People don’t want to hang out with someone who appears disinterested. So, you stop getting invitations and are left alone. Avoidance gets you stuck in a vicious cycle of loneliness.

Isolation

With avoidance comes isolation. Let me clue you into something: isolation is bad for you. We are social beings who require human contact. In prison, they put you in isolation as a punishment and yet, people with social anxiety do this willingly to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Pretty screwed up, right? It is self-imposed loneliness due to some mostly irrational fears. The thing is the more lonely you get, the more you feel unworthy of other people’s love. You get so comfortable being isolated that socializing becomes even more unbearable. Thus, another maladaptive cycle is born.

Lack of Social Support

When you isolate, you don’t have friends. You are alone. When you need social support, it isn’t there. Even family, who are rumored to be there for you no matter what, are not immune to your social anxiety. If they feel like they don’t know you then they will not support you. When times are tough, you are going to need emotional support. Unfortunately, socially anxious people have never fostered the relationships necessary to receive it.

Work/School Performance

There is usually a social component to workplace and school environments. In high school/college/graduate school I didn’t speak up in class because I was afraid of being judged. I didn’t say much even though I may have had some valuable points. At meetings at work, I tried to remain out of the spotlight. As a result, I was a bit of an enigma. By the way, being difficult to understand is not a positive work characteristic: enigmas don’t get promotions. Bosses and teachers like people who speak up and contribute to the group’s success. When you are silent, people don’t know what you are doing. Remember that class participation grade in school? Mine was never very good. The point is that socially anxious people are at a disadvantage when compared to their more vocal peers. You may be a smart and wonderful person with great ideas but it does not matter if no one knows it.

Depression

What do you get when you add up anxiety, avoidance, isolation, lack of social support and poor self-image? If you said depression you are a winner. There is a reason that anxiety and depression often occur together. It is hard to be happy with your life when your anxiety is holding you back. Depression is frequently the result of a lack of pleasure and achievement mixed in with some negative thinking. Anxiety contributes to all of that.

Coping With Social Anxiety

So, how do you deal with social anxiety? Coping can take various forms, some healthier than others.

Drugs/Alcohol

Some people turn to using recreational drugs and alcohol to cope with social anxiety. I was one of those people. It was always nice to have a few drinks to act as a social lubricant. I have to say it worked. I was much less anxious and much more social when I was drinking. Unfortunately, this is not a long-term answer. You become dependent on whatever you are using and you don’t learn to deal with anxiety on your own. It is its own form of avoidance with some added negative consequences. Moreover, the more you do it, the more you need it; it can spur an addiction if you are not careful.

Confront with Baby Steps

Confronting social anxiety is one of the most important things you can do to reduce it but also one of the most difficult. I suggest taking it small and slow. Start with one gathering that is less intimidating. See how it goes. Anxiety is all about the lead-up to a social event. Afterward, you will be glad you went. That good feeling is reinforcing and will help you say yes to more social activities in the future. The more you confront anxiety the better, but you need to start with something manageable or it will be self-defeating.

Pep Talk

Sometimes you just need to psych yourself up. Give yourself positive messages to help get yourself out the door. By the end of a good pep talk, you may feel ready to take on the world. If you aren’t good at positive self-talk, have someone else motivate you to go out.

Join an Activity

Attending an activity is a good choice for social anxiety because you can treat it like practice. You can do it alone or bring along a friend who knows about your struggles. Pick something you like to do so you meet people with common interests and are more likely to have fun. The best part about joining an activity is that no one else has to know you. You can start with a clean slate. Also, if you bomb out, you never have to see those people again. Besides, with most activities, you have to pay for them upfront; unless you want to throw away your money, you will feel obligated to attend.

Make a Commitment to Another Person

You are more likely to follow through with a social activity if another person is expecting you. So, tell your friend that you will go with them to the anxiety-provoking event. It is much harder to avoid a social situation if you know you are disappointing someone else.

Psychotherapy

Therapy is a good idea if you cannot handle your anxiety on your own. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are especially well suited for social anxiety. There are a lot of self-help options out there but sometimes you need assistance that a workbook or app can’t provide.

Medication

I don’t really like medication for anxiety because it can be a form of avoidance in itself. For example, when you take Buspar to relieve anxiety you are not really confronting your problem. In addition, you can become dependent on prescription medication just like alcohol and other recreational drugs. Benzodiazepines are particularly habit-forming. But, if you have severe social anxiety, medication may be the only thing that is able to get you out the door. That being said, medication should be viewed as a last-resort option.

Don’t Ignore Social Anxiety

At some point, you probably told yourself that social anxiety was not a major problem. What’s the big deal if I don’t hang out with my neighbors? So, I miss a party or two. Who cares? Does it really matter if I don’t talk in class? These are all excuses we give ourselves to avoid the problem. The truth is that social anxiety is not as innocent as it may seem. If left unattended, it can have serious negative consequences. Luckily, there is a lot you can do to help yourself become a more social being. Push yourself a bit, you are worth it.