Parenting is hard enough when you have a loving partner to support you. Take away that partner, add some hard feelings and a dash of your own personal pain, and it becomes exponentially more difficult. As a single father who is dealing with a divorce, I understand that co-parenting can be a real struggle.

Why Is Co-Parenting So Difficult?

First of all, you need to co-parent with someone who does not want to be married to you anymore. Even if you separated under the best of terms, you will have to adjust to the new situation. Unfortunately, most people separate under more negative circumstances. It is amazing to me how a divorce can turn former friends and lovers into dire enemies, but it happens quite often. Those sour feelings get in the way of positive co-parenting. Second, when you lived together, you had continual backup. Now, you are on your own. You have no one immediately available to reinforce your directions or discuss your parenting ideas. As I mentioned in my post How Do I Cope With Divorce, going through a divorce is very trying emotionally. Add the already difficult responsibility of parenting and not everything is going to be smooth sailing.

How To Navigate the Co-Parenting Situation

First things first, this is not about you. This is about your kid(s). You may have some serious negative feelings toward your ex-partner but you need to do what is best for the children. Some basic rules:

1) Do not bad-mouth your ex in front of your children. This is divorce 101. Suck up your negative feelings for the sake of your kids. You can let them out later when your kids are not around.

2) The more consistency between your households the better. Make a united front with your ex. If she says no, you say no and vice versa.

3) Follow the same basic house rules in both households. If one partner lets the children do anything they want, and the other is very strict, this is going to cause problems. Kids have difficulty enough transitioning between households. If the house rules are very different then the transition is all the more difficult for them.

4) Talk to your ex in a civil manner in front of your kids. If you can make pleasant conversation or be friendly all the better.

5) Communicate with your ex as much as is necessary for your children’s well-being. Kids are not stupid. They notice when their parents are not communicating. Face to face communication is best since a lot is lost (like tone) in e-mails and text messages.

6) Don’t let your divorce lawyer determine your behavior. Divorce lawyers have a job to do: they are trying to win on your behalf. Serving your best interests isn’t always in the best interests of your children, especially when it leaves your ex bitter and hateful.

7) Allow the father (if there is a father) significant time with their children. Most states have a bias toward the mother. A judge will rarely allow a 50-50 custody split unless the mother is okay with it. Not surprisingly, there is research that suggests it is better for kids to have equitable, meaningful relationships with both parents. Punishing the father through limiting custody and visitation is not good for anyone, especially your kids.

8) Try not to be overly negative about your ex to people who are still going to need to interact with him/her. In a divorce most people choose sides. Sometimes you will still need to see people that are not on your side, especially if they remain involved in your children’s’ lives. If your ex has bad-mouthed you to those people, it will only make those interactions more difficult.  Usually, the kids are stuck in the middle.

8) This is not a competition between you and your ex-partner. You are not fighting for your children’s love. You are trying to give them two loving parents. There is enough love to go around. Try to work together.