All friendships serve a purpose. The best ones provide numerous benefits, including companionship, support, and happiness. A truly rewarding friendship is reciprocal. But what about when you put forth your time and effort but your friend doesn’t return it? You are putting in the work to maintain and grow your friendship but you aren’t getting the benefits. Maybe it has always been that way or it could be a recent development. Regardless, you need to figure out what to do about it. Here is what you need to consider about a one-sided friendship.

Signs of a One-Sided Friendship

The first thing to figure out is if your relationship is really one-sided. Here are some indications:

They Don’t Communicate

Are you the one who always initiates texts and phone calls? Do you receive brief replies or none at all? Communication is the core of any relationship. If they don’t reach out, you need to question if they are truly a friend.

No Effort to Make Plans

Does your friend ever try to make plans to meet or does that fall to you? Solid friendships (unless they are long-distance) need face to face contact from time to time. If they don’t show the effort, it is possible that your friend does not feel you are important enough to take up their time.

Frequent Cancelations

If you do make plans, does your friend cancel frequently? Often, canceling or postponing plans shows that you aren’t a priority in their life. And if you aren’t a priority, what kind of friendship do you have?

It is All About Them

When you talk with your friend, do they focus on themselves almost all the time? Do they dismiss your concerns and bring the conversation back to them? One-sided conversations are an indicator of one-sided friendships. In a healthy friendship, both people need to feel heard.

You Feel Bad About Yourself

Do you feel you feel rejected, drained, or ignored by your friend? Do you resent them? A one-sided friendship may make you question your own self-worth. Do you wonder if you are unlikable? If your friendship makes you feel worse about yourself, it may be one-sided relationship that isn’t worth having.

Is It Worth It?

If you see some indications that you may be in a one-sided relationship, the next step is to assess whether it is worth continuing. Here are some things to think about:

Are They a Valued Friend?

The biggest consideration is how much you care about this particular friendship. Are they an old friend you have known for years? Have they been a loyal friend? Were they once a better friend and they have only appeared less caring recently? Ultimately, you have to ask yourself, how much would it hurt to cut them out of your life?

Do You Deserve Better?

Are you doing yourself a disservice by keeping them in your life? A one-sided relationship can do serious damage to your self-esteem. When they consistently make you feel bad about yourself, it may be time to cut the chord.

How Severe are Your Negative Feelings?

Although relationships can be complicated, your feelings towards any friend should be positive overall. When you get to the point where you are resenting the friendship or starting to dislike who they are as a person, it may be time to move on.

Don’t Assume They Don’t Like You

One important consideration when assessing a friendship is to not make any snap judgments. If there are signs of a one-sided relationship, it is easy to assume that your friend doesn’t care about you. But, that may not be the case. They may have valid reasons for their seeming lack of effort. Maybe they are having an undisclosed problem. Or they take for granted that you will initiate contact. In other words, they might really value your friendship but not display it.

How to Address the One-Sided Friendship

There are two paths to take: Either make attempts to save the friendship or decide to end it.

If You Want To Save It

Here are some suggestions for what to do if you want the friendship to continue:

1) Start a conversation. You can’t expect anything to change if you don’t talk about it. Be direct but not rude. You might say something like, “I notice you don’t reach out anymore”. You may find they are surprised you aren’t satisfied.

2) Tell them your needs. Just because they are your friend, does’t mean that they can’t be totally clueless. They may have very little insight into what you need from the friendship. Tell them exactly what you expect from the relationship.

3) Change your interaction style. You can’t expect your friendship to change if you continue to do the same things you did previously. One thing to change is how you interact with your friend. Maybe you have been phoning but they prefer a text. Or they like face-to-face meeting over communicating over the phone. Try something different and see if it elicits the response you desire.

4) Make more effort. Maybe your friend is feeling like you are the one who doesn’t care so much about the friendship. Or, you just want to make sure you have given it your all before you give up. In any case, increase your effort and see what happens. If you try really hard to be a good friend for a few months and everything remains the same, you will at least know exactly where you stand.

5) Acceptance. Maybe you decided that you value the relationship enough that you don’t want it to end, even if nothing changes. You can simply accept that your friendship is the way it is and you don’t try to change it.

6) Allow a trial period. If you want to try to save the relationship, it is crucial that you give it enough time to see if your interventions work. Don’t assume that change will happen over only a few weeks.

If You Decide to End It

Here is what you can do if you decide that you are willing to end your friendship:

1) Be bold. Tell them how you feel and that you are willing end the friendship if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe this spurs them to make amends or maybe they are ok with ending it. Either way, you will have a path forward.

2) Let it run its course. You can basically do nothing and see what happens. It is likely that the friendship just peters out over time. While this may not be ideal because it is drawn out and not as cut and dry, it is an option for people that don’t want to deal with confrontation. It is the passive-aggressive choice.

3) Cultivate other friendships. Ending a friendship is never easy to endure. It is important that you have a support network to help you cope. Turning to your other friends might give you the comfort and reassurance you need. Besides, ending a friendship leaves you with one less friend. Making new friends who meet your needs will buffer any feelings of loss.