Is there anything worse than being told “life isn’t fair”? It is basically the equivalent of someone telling you “tough shit”. We have all experienced the wave of negative emotions that accompany unfairness. Let’s look at the concept of unfairness and how to deal with it when it occurs.

A Helpless Feeling

I was always told that if you work hard and do the right thing that it will all work out in your favor. Unfortunately, that is not always true. There are times when you do everything right and you still get treated unfairly. For example, you don’t get that promotion at work even though you have been a model employee for five years. Or, you get in trouble at church when that guy next to you screams out in the middle of the sermon. You are not in a position to do something about it, so you have to take it. There is nothing more frustrating and debilitating than feeling helpless.

The Illusion of Control

If you ask most people, they will tell you they are in control of their life. They decide when they eat breakfast, what they watch on T.V., and what time they go to bed. Generally, we like to be in control. It makes us feel secure. When someone else is in charge, we are putting our safety in someone else’s hands. There is a reason you get anxious if you see your airline pilot acting erratically before your flight. You may feel like the only person you can trust is yourself because you are the only one you can truly control. So, in order to feel safe, you go about life believing you are in charge. It is not until your plane crashes or you are hit by that reckless driver that you realize that much of the time you have no control over your own life.

The Stages of Unfairness

If you live under the fantasy of control, you also believe that life is generally fair. When unfairness rears its ugly head it can be quite a shock. Much like bereavement, you are going to go through stages to deal with unfairness. The following are most typical: Your initial reaction will be outrage. I mean, how can this be happening? Next, you will start to problem-solve. Do I have any recourse to combat this unfairness? Finally, you will feel defeated if you realize you don’t have the power to change the situation. Enter couch and ice cream. Let’s look at how you might cope with this difficult situation.

Is There Anything I Can Do?

Once your initial shock and anger subside, the first question you need to ask is if there is anything you can do about it? For example, is there a supervisor who can correct you being wronged? Do you have an opportunity to appeal or defend yourself? If you are being treated unfairly at work, there is often a grievance procedure available to voice your feelings. If it is personal, you might be able to mediate the situation through a mutual friend or family member. Is this a large enough issue that you want to take it to court? Whatever the case, you do want to see if you have any recourse. It is always good to have options.

Is It Worth It?

If you do have alternatives available, are they worth pursuing? This is where you have to do a cost-benefit analysis. Even if you can right a wrong, it might leave you in a worse situation. For example, maybe you file a grievance against your boss. You may win the grievance but your boss is likely only to receive a reprimand. That means, when the process is over, they will still be your boss. If they choose, they can make your life miserable as a form of revenge. Is that worth it? You will have to weigh the positive consequences vs. the negative outcomes. Keep in mind, just because you feel you have been treated unfairly, it doesn’t mean it will turn out the way you hoped.

Acceptance

In an unfair situation, there are two overall conclusions. One, you fight the unfairness and get a good result. Two, you receive a negative consequence. When it does not work out in your favor, you have to learn to accept it. You can choose to stay angry forever but who is that really helping? The truth is that life treats us unfairly sometimes. If you believe that life is always fair you are just fooling yourself. The sooner you accept the reality of the situation, the quicker you can move on with your life. Besides, the law of averages says that you are going to be treated fairly more times than not. Next time, your honesty and hard work will pay off.

You Don’t Have To Like It

When things don’t go your way, acceptance is often necessary for your mental health. However, you don’t have to like it. Accepting an unfair situation is not about allowing someone to take advantage of you. It is making an educated decision that will benefit you in the long run. Realistically, you are still going to retain some frustration over the situation. You don’t want to ignore those feelings, you want to deal with them. Tell yourself something like “This really sucks but it is not worth my time and energy”. In the end, you don’t want unfairness to rule your life. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up off the floor and live to fight another day.